I think we’ve entered the persona journal part of this website for the time being, only because it’s the only thing I feel like I don’t have to properly review and curate before actually throwing out into the universe…and also because unfortunately for myself, I’m a little too comfortable writing my feelings for people to see them.
back to the….point (haha).
I feel like I’ve been very transparent about my mental health struggles. Especially with people who are close to me…supposed to be. But what is it about casual conversations that stop us from actually asking about the real questions?
When I said I’m tired before, I’m obviously tired physically and mentally because being a working parent can do that to you. And yeah I’m busy but that’s not always why I’m not really replying to your texts. Sometime, it feels like no matter how many times I say it…no matter how open I am about it. Unless I actually bring it up, no one’s going to actually address it?
I have depression. I have post-partum depression. Also, I still have a very hard time coping with my depression because even though it’s been years, coping with it is still fairly new to me. Especially now that I have an entirely new set of symptoms due birthing a human. And that daily struggle? That’s the one.
I could put my kid in daycare and lay on the floor for 8 hours and still be tired. I would still be exhausted. Not because of the Things To Do. Not because of the Things I’m Doing.
But because I’m very tired of existing in the way that I am. Yet…the main means of support I’m getting is “you’re doing great” “get some rest” “hope you’re well” and a lack of actual presence. Why is everyone avoiding the mental health question and acting like SOMETHING is the reason for the way I drag my feet almost every day? Is it just easier? Even though I know I’m not the only one?
Honestly, the only reason I’m even posting this is because the above quotes were the responses I’ve recently gotten after my last posts. And I just want to make very clear: sleeping is not going to fix this kind of tiredness. Stop telling me to get some rest. That’s all.