12: l. o. l.

Because I’m realizing I’m not making much headway for 100 posts in one year – we’re like halfway through the year and I’ve only gotten 10% in – , I’ve decided to talk about a not so favorite quality of mine. Now, I should probably do another 10 things I like about me in honor of mental health awareness month and now that I think about it I will. However, this is pretty neatly tied to my mental health. So, on we write.

I have a not so great habit of laughing at inappropriate times. It’s gotten me in trouble more than once along with side eyes from people who whisper, “why are you laughing?” Usually, my answer to the question is “I’m laughing at the situation.” This may not make a lot of sense at face value but what I’m really saying is that I have a tendency to be detached from what is happening around me. Often I’m viewing my own life as outside looking in, like the narrator of my own life. So when I’m getting yelled at for being covered in mud while also giggling, it’s not because I’m not taking it seriously. It’s because if I weren’t me and I were watching me from a television set, the situation would be so ridiculous that I’d be laughing.

That’s how I look at my life.

I laugh at minute details in a dreary situation. I laugh at whole circumstances. I laugh at “what ifs” in my head.

I’m pretty sure this is a coping mechanism, judging by the number of times I’ve heard a therapist (more than one) say “well you’re laughing about it” when I’m talking about something that could be more or less traumatic.

Maybe it does mean I don’t take things that seriously. Maybe it means that I refuse to deal with things head on. Maybe it’s just a bad habit I need to break. Hard to say. But I guess I’ll have to think about it more. Maybe I’ll ask my counselor.

“If life ain’t just a joke, then why are we laughing?”
(Dead, My Chemical Romance)

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